5 Years

It's been five years since I've heard your laugh.
I think that is the hardest part.
That laugh was... original.
Entertaining.
Infectious.
It wasn't a sound I thought about until it was gone.

5 years is a long time.
Lots of things change.
Life goes on.

However, I do not think a day passes where I don't have at least a moment that I think about you.
It may be brief, just a slight flutter in my brain.
Or a whole car ride home by myself.
I have come to the conclusion that you will never leave my mind.
I used to try and force you out.
Mad at myself when you entered.
Then I realized, ignoring those thoughts, was just a try at controlling an uncontrollable situation.
Grief.

It's been five years and I believe I'm past the stages of grief.
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.

Denial: When you first died, I was sure it was some kind of practical joke.
You'd show up any minute at the bar and say something stupid like "YAHTZEE!"

Anger: WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING!!!??? This one hit hard. I was already mad/disappointed you hadn't come to my 30th birthday party. You died when I was mad. Goes to show, you never know what might happen, never hold on to anger.

Bargaining: I begged you... BEGGED you to show up in my dreams. I said I would move on. I'd do good things, I'd be a better person... I  just NEEDED to see you. I am not a religious person.... but I know I attempted to make deals (bargins) with God to just have you back....

Depression: I suffer this bitch anyway... but it was deep. I changed. I cancelled plans. I drank constantly. I disappeared into the grief and didn't want to come out.  In the grief I was closer to you.

Acceptance: I know you are gone. I know I won't see you. I know you will always be apart of me though, because in your own fucked up way, you taught me so much about myself during the 7-8 years we were friends, roommates.

So here I am... 5 years later, remembering VIVIDLY the phone call telling me you had died.

I know....
I will never listen to certain songs again. (Dirt Road Anthem, Over You...)
I will never enjoy Southern Iowa, 4-wheeling or dive bars like I used to.
I will always miss you, that smile and that laugh.

I miss you and I always will.

Merry Christmas Eve!

It's cold.
It snowed.
The ground is covered in white.
The PERFECT Christmas Eve.
Sitting in the living room with my husband and my dogs.
Mary is with her mom on Christmas Eve....

My Christmas gift from my parents is in the basement.
A treadmill they gave us money for a few months ago.
I bought on Craigslist, it's pretty nice actually.
I've used it... a few times... since August.

My gift from Jerry is on my finger.
He took a ring of my Grandma's and had it reset for me.
It's an opal.
It.Is.Beautiful.
I held back tears when he gave it to me.
It is a birthday and Christmas present.
So we sit here on Christmas Eve, looking at the presents under our tree.
There is not a lot.
Mary got a few things from Dad and Holly, some expensive, some not.
Jerry has a few gifts from me, but his main gift is a new smoker/grill, which we do not have yet.
As I said, my gift is on my finger.
I love it
I love it.
I LOVE MY RING!

We look at our tree, with very few presents under it,  thinking we should have bought more.
But...
There is thought.
There is love.
There is need/want in those gifts.
Even though the tree is not as full as we are accustomed to; it has gifts under it.
Some people don't even have that.

I know as kids we got a lot of toys and things, probably more than what my parents should have gotten us.
But it seems to be the universal symbol, that a Christmas tree is not REALLY a Christmas tree unless the gifts are PILED up beneath it.
The 3 gifts I  remember most are:
1. Red Rider Wagon (metal, not that plastic shit. Still have till this day.)
2. Chris Mutt (holiday animal Target had every year. Still have till this day.)
3. Mr. Cart.... a cart with three 'levels' that I pushed around the house (and still have till this day.)

But I don't remember much else when it comes to gifts.

I remember the scents, the people, the warmth.
F--- the gifts.
Give me those memories, the family together, the good food, the happiness that comes with the holidays.
I rather have a tree that is bare of gifts, then a house with no family.

Can I get an Amen?

 Merry the Eve of Christmas.
And please know, that the lack of gifts, never has to mean a lack of love.