Friday, May 27, 2016

It's Messy.... and It's Honest.

January of 2015.....
Jerry and I had been married for less than a year.
I'd been off birth control for 4-5 months.
The first pregnancy test I ever took in my life was positive.
I was in shock.
I told Jerry and he kissed my tummy.
We were happy.
Doctor appointment showed I was only about 5 weeks along.
Set another appointment for when I'd be about 9 weeks along.
I was so tired.
I had to take a nap every day.
I felt hung-over; I wasn't throwing up... so that was a plus.
But the tummy problems, the blah feeling; I had all of that.

We went to the OBGYN at our 9 week appointment.
I was excited to hear the heart beat.
I couldn't wait.
I knew it would make it real.
I'd told CLOSE family and very FEW friends that I was expecting.
I was talking to my tummy.
I was loving this baby, that wasn't even the size of a lima bean yet.
I couldn't wait to hear that heart beat.

Jerry sat there; I laid there.
Slimy stuff on my tummy as the ultrasound took place.
The tool was moved around on tummy and the technician said "Lets try internal".
I grabbed Jerry's hand.
I knew.
Tears fell from my eyes.
Our baby had no heartbeat.
The internal ultrasound showed a lot of things.
One of those things was that our baby, by measurement's was 6 weeks and 2 days when it stopped growing.
So at our 9 week appointment our baby had been dead for almost 3 weeks.

At first I didn't feel anything.
I went home, told my job I couldn't come in that night, but I'd be in the next day.
Jerry told them he'd be in late.
We laid in bed and cried together.
But I was fine.
I was perfectly fine.
I told him to go to work, we were supposed to have them all over for a holiday party that night.
Jerry went to work.... lasted  about an hour.
Told them he needed to be home with his wife.
He came home and laid with me.
I contacted the job... told them, I won't be in tomorrow either.
They were wonderful.
They told me not to worry.

I was scheduled for a D and C...
Dilation and curettage...
Or as our wonderful insurance papers showed. ABORTION.
Every time we got a bill..... ABORTION.
I didn't want this.
I would have done anything to avoid this.
Believe me.... I figured I did something wrong to have to go through this.
But I didn't need insurance papers to note it as an ABORTION.
My baby had died.
My baby died, before I EVER got to hold it.
Before I ever got to know him.
I was positive it was a boy.
God.... Jerry would have raised an amazing boy.

The thing about being early in a pregnancy, not many people know.
So we didn't have to tell many people about there being no heartbeat.
I told my mom.
She told my sisters.
They never asked how I was feeling.
I get that.
It's not something you just start talking about...
"So..... how are you doing since you were having a baby and now you're not?"

I mean shit,
I didn't talk to anyone about it, which is probably why, a year and a half later, I'm still in pain.
I was ashamed.

We are no longer trying.
We are not going to have a baby. (So quit fucking asking.)

The thing that sucks is as I write this... I don't want attention from this.
I don't want people to feel bad for me.
The thing is... this happens ALL THE TIME.
And NO ONE thinks they should talk about it.
I mean, it's not good dinner conversation.
"Hey Holly, how's your life?"
"Oh it's great... I lost a baby.... you might consider it just a 'fetus'... but it was my baby."
"Um, ok.... so last night I went to a concert."
No one wants to talk about the fact that I lost a baby.
I just need people to know.
I need them to know that I've had DARK days.
I've gone over in my head of all the things I must have done to cause the death of my child.
.... A week after my D and C... my body still didn't know there was not a baby in me.
I was still exhausted and had cravings.
That is the worst punishment ever.
My poor body.
My body still thought it was going to have a baby.
My mind was the only thing that knew it wasn't happening.

Over a year later and I still feel like a failure.
I'm a woman that will never have her own baby.
I will never give birth to a child.
Crazy... but there are plenty of woman who never have children.
Yet part of me thinks I should be more upset about never having my own child.
I have a beautiful step-daughter.
I hug her, and truthfully.... she's enough.
She is the most honest, caring, beautiful 8 year old ever.
I would do anything for her.
My God... I love that child.
She'll never understand how much.
She is the only baby I will ever have.
My lord she makes me mad when she rolls her eyes at me.
I wouldn't trade her for the world.
We had told her we were having a baby.
The pictures of her reaction was amazing... she was so excited.

When we had to tell her we lost the baby, she looked at her dad.
She looked at me.
She jumped on my lap.
She cried with me.
She cried to her 2nd grade teacher; and her teacher held her. ( I love that teacher BTW).

It's something people don't talk about.
I think it's because people don't know how to react.
I don't need someone to relate.
I don't need anyone to understand.

I'm tired of feeling that I'm an outsider.
I'm tired of feeling like if I talk about this it will make others uncomfortable.
I'm fucking uncomfortable.
I lost my baby.
I'm fucking horribly uncomfortable in my own life.
The guilt.
The thoughts of what would be.
I carry enough of the 'uncomfortable' side of it; just talk to me.
Just be ok with me.
Just know that I know... I know PAIN.
And anyone who hasn't had a miscarriage... I hope you NEVER do.
I wouldn't wish it on ANYONE.
It is so painful....

I just needed to write this.
I just needed this to be out there.
I just needed people to know when they ask a person.. "Oh.... when are you going to have kids?"
... You never know what that person has endured.

Think  before you ask that question.
Just know everyone is dealing with their own nightmares.
I've been dealing with mine for over a year, and I need to get back to being a wife.
To being a step-mom.
To being a friend.

I will never forget the baby I was going to have.
But it's time to let the baby go, and it's time for me to forgive myself.

I will forever love the child I never had.
That baby existed and it's time everyone knew that.
It's time for me to no longer be ashamed that I miscarried.

I take a deep breath.
I'm ok.
I'll be ok.
I just needed to put this out there.
I needed people to know.

Jerry and I had a child.
Our child died.
It doesn't matter that it was 6 weeks.
It was ours.
It was loved.
It was so loved.
It existed.
I hold that baby in my heart and I always will.

So now you know what my tattoo is about....
tiny tattoo | Tumblr: