Thursday, July 23, 2015

I Will Never

There are certain situations that arise that I think " I will never be that. I will never do that."
And the people around me speak loud enough and that is what they are saying also.
"You will never be that. You will never do that."

For a long time, people thought it was so uncharacteristic of me to go four-wheeling and being 'dirty'.
I love four-wheeling.
I love dusty gravel roads.
I love dirty hair and clothes that lead to small town bars and small town lives.

I will never be a size 2 again.
I would have to starve myself...
Just 4 and a half years ago I did fit into my size 6 high school jeans.
It was amazing.
It was obtainable.
It seems so far away.
In 11th grade I weighed 117 pounds at 5'10".
I was kinda sickly looking.
My ribs showed through.
I didn't eat much.
I thought my stomach was big.
I was so skinny.
It was not ok.
Not attractive.
Yet... I felt beautiful.
Because of the number on the scale.
I felt worthy.
Why is it that the size that we wear is what brings us happiness?
I hate that I've let myself go.
But just like the posts on The Seven Deadly Sins, I.Am.Just.Lazy.
I want to be everything my husband wants.
Everything he deserves, and he deserves more than a lazy house wife that piles on the pounds.
I will never be 117 pounds again.
I will not fit comfortably in my high school jeans.
But I can take care of myself.
I can work out for exercise, not necessarily to be the most tiny girl.
I can try to be healthy.
My husband loves me.
Tells me I'm beautiful.
I just no longer feel it about myself.
So I need to change that.
I need to get out of my head.
I need to realize that I may not be what I was...
But I can be so much better.
Be Happy.
Be Healthy.
Be Me.